i wonder if he remembers me

the summer's been good to me so far.

a lot of my family was around for graduation and it was great getting to spend a few days with them before hitting the road. we were out about two weeks, driving around haphazardly across the midwest and back. let me tell you it was probably one of the greatest two weeks i've ever had. i'm looking forward to heading back out in a week. we'll be heading through illinois, ohio, indiana, missouri, and i believe kentucky. that's not too far, but when you're with the guys i'll be with it doesn't really matter where you're going... just the time you spent getting there.

between shows i've been spending my time staying up way past midnight and sleeping past noon. it's not a routine i'm very happy with, but it's a pretty vicious cycle; one from which it is farely difficult to break free. i've spent several long afternoons with ethan, wes, and ian swimming and riding jet skis at a private lake. the weather has been pretty incredible so far. we usually head out there after jogging a mile in the late mornings. i'm hoping i can start to wear myself out by running during the day so that i'll be tired at night and can sleep before the sun starts coming up. i think a regular sleep pattern will help bring about a better state of mind.

there are a lot of things i want to change about myself. things that no one even knows about. no one knows because i haven't told them, and i'm planning on keeping it that way. but i think if i were to change them people would notice a difference, just not be able to put a finger on quite what it is that has changed. but seriously, i make mistakes and blatantly wrong choices like they're going out of style and i hate it. they make me feel disgusting... not like i need a shower, but like i'm simply scum; someone not worth anyone's time.

i want to be worth someone's time. i want to be someone that friends want to always have around. not because i'm awesome, but because i'm a good friend--a good person. i want to be likeable to the point those around me have a genuine desire to get to know me, not just who i am. i don't think this is selfish. i believe it is a healthy goal for everyone to have. maybe i'll get there someday, but until then... thanks for humoring me at least. there are times when i really do feel loved by those around me, and i sit and wonder what i've done to deserve it. i'm looking forward to more of those moments for the rest of my life.

i told myself that once i was done with school i would start reading more because i would finally have more time. i haven't followed through with that yet, but i plan on starting today.

i haven't even unpacked from the move home yet.

tomorrow i graduate with a bachelor's of science in music/recording & production.

i don't feel like i've learned enough to graduate yet. that bothers me a little bit. maybe everyone feels like this? i'm certainly not ready to leave emotionally. there are too many people here that i probably won't ever see again. it is the saddest thought i have had in years. right now every one of my friends (except for the distant few) are a five-minute walk away from where i currently sit, comfortably on the couch in my apartment. when will i ever be this lucky again?

what is going to become of all these relationships? this has been the longest four years of my life, and this will be the greatest change i will ever have to go through. all these friends i've made and people i love... what's going to happen?

... and what could've happened with other relationships that haven't had time to fully develop? have i missed opportunities? in two days i will never know. in two days...

we'll find out how often "let's keep in touch" really comes true.

ok, soooo

on thursday ian, ethan, wes, mallory and i drove up to peoria and picked up briana. we drove to chicago. to the united center. we gave them our tickets. we sat in our seats. and we watched coldplay play the best show i have ever seen. i don't care what you say. it was absolutely amazing.

amazing.

we spent the night at ethan's sister's house downtown (which is also amazing. she's an accountant, her husbands a stockbroker. that pretty much equals a ridiculous house). the next morning we woke up and went shopping.

"hey, wouldn't it be really cool if we were walking around today and saw coldplay shopping too??" one of us said.

no more than on hour later, we were in urban outfitters. we were all over the store. i was trying on shoes, i'm not sure what ian was doing, the girls were downstairs looking at girly things, ethan was spending some mad cash... anyway, we were there. and in walks.... chris martin.

i had no idea what to do. but i knew that if i didn't at least go say hi to him, i would kick myself for the rest of my life for it. wes saw him next from across the room and just stood and pointed at him, eyes wider than i'd ever seen. i think chris noticed and started to walk the other direction so no one would make a big scene. but i walked up to him while he was looking at $60 t-shirts.

"chris?"

"yes?" (with a frickin sweet english accent)

"hi. i just wanted to say that your show last night was absolutely incredible."

"oh, thanks a lot man"

we shook hands. and then he talked with all of us for a while. and i have to say, as much as i hate to admit it: i was star-struck. it was probably a once-in-a-lifetime situation; talking to chris martin on the top floor of an urban outfitters in downtown chicago... and we didn't even get a picture (he politely refused. probably so we wouldn't turn around and sell it to tabloids).

true story.

anyway... i just thought i would let you all know what an amazing weekend i had. thanks briana for the great birthday/christmas gift.

(a picture of a sweet guitar used to be here, but it was huuuge.)

sweet lord i need some money

hey folks... in the studio watching guys trying to work things out. it's fun and frustrating all at the same time. i better go and try and learn things, though. leave lots of love.